Issue #1 | I Keep Letting You Back In
Bria out here self-sabotaging again...
Straps & the City is an ongoing Black and queer-centered fiction about four Detroit-based women navigating life, love, and friendship. It’s raw, real, and sometimes messy.
*Set the vibes with the themed playlist!*
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Bria’s apartment was quiet. All she could hear were her racing thoughts and the light trickle of that leaky faucet her landlord still hadn’t gotten around to. She took another hit of her Jungle Cake pre-roll and sighed the thick smoke through her nostrils. Her mind continued its constant loop.
Life was easier when I was cosplaying as a straight woman. This lesbian shit is wild as fuck.
The faint scent of vanilla danced past her nose, bringing on a wave of melancholy. She shook her head, grabbed her AirPods from the bedside table, and pressed play on her latest playlist.
Sitting cross-legged on her bed, she slowly rolled her neck. The pre-roll was already massaging the tension from her shoulders. She opened her journal determined to quiet her mind.
“How do I even tackle this shit?”, she wrote in purple ink.
“Well, I guess I’ll start with the fact that these bitches ain’t shit just like the niggas wasn’t. I hate it here. I’m a heartbreak away from becoming a nun. Do they let you smoke weed in nunneries?”
Bria knew that her real problem wasn’t “ain’t shit” bitches. Her real problem was the way she convinced herself that red flags were orange. Or maybe a nice hot pink on a good day. But that wasn’t the point right now.
SiR’s voice spilled into her ears, “This feels like a game of survival. Why am I dying for a title?”
“I don’t understand how I keep getting into these situations,” she continued writing. Another lie.
“And quite frankly, I’m disappointed in my damn self. Like, how the fuck did she even end up in my bed? Again… Why do I keep repeating this cycle? And why does it feel like I’m begging to be loved? This some bullshit, for real. I deserve more than this. Right?”
Bria looked up. Her tranquil, perfectly feng shui’d bedroom starkly contrasted her current mental state. She scoffed as Come Over by Aaliyah started to play.
That’s how I got into this shit.
Against Bria’s better judgment, she brought the first girl who ever broke her heart back to her apartment. Under the club’s lighting, Amber looked like pink lemonade on a hot summer day. And Bria was too thirsty to say no.
She’d been babysitting a now warm Henny and Coke at the bar, contemplating heading home. She was thinking about how she was due for another Atlanta re-watch when a familiar voice from behind completely threw her off.
“Hey, Bri Bri.”
She turned to find Amber, the 5’11” sexy-ass stud that had her strapmatized not too long ago. Seven months prior, Amber had blindsided Bria with a breakup that left her crying, screaming, shaking, and throwing up. Bria’s friends thought they’d never hear the end of it.
“I just don’t understand where shit went left,” she kept saying, ruminating about what could’ve been.
At one point, Bailey had gotten so fed up with her obsessing that she started an ‘Amber jar’. Bria had to put a dollar into it every time she mentioned her. It was either that or start therapy.
Therapy probably would’ve been cheaper.
Amber stood there with that confident grin Bria knew all too well. It was slightly smug like she already knew how this night would end. Bria looked her over, pleased with what she saw.
Fresh retwist, pristine J’s, full lips — yeah, she was still a fuckin’ problem.
That vanilla scent that always made Bria weak in the knees lingered in the air. Amber’s eyes drifted to her hips. She bit her bottom lip as she took them in.
Fuck. I’m too buzzed for this.
Amber pulled Bria into a tight hug. Her embrace was strong and vaguely comforting. Bria’s heart raced as she breathed her in.
Her intoxicating scent took her back to a more rose-colored time. She lightly pecked Amber’s cheek and tried to remain composed.
“Hey, you,” she responded. It was meant to sound chill and smooth but came out forced instead.
They chatted about nothing of consequence. Bria rambled on about her latest art project, and Amber casually mentioned her new place downtown. Fifteen minutes later, they were out the door.
This is why I got Carpe Diem tatted on my foot. To justify doing dumb shit like this.
Back at Bria’s place, they sat quietly on her couch. Bria’s back hurt from trying to keep good posture, but she wanted to look as confident as possible.
Amber’s eyes moved over her slowly and intentionally. They lingered at her thighs for a beat longer than anywhere else.
“You know you lookin’ good as fuck tonight, right?” she leaned in, licking her lips.
Bria felt bare and unshielded under such close examination. She smiled and giggled. The Hennesy was still doing its job.
“Yeah? What you gon’ do about it?”, she asked.
“Mmm,” Amber purred, her eyes low. She brought her face so close that Bria could taste her breath.
The anticipation almost felt like a threat. Amber was like a lion playing with its food before devouring it. And in their newfound proximity, Bria became painfully aware of how attractive she was. It was lowkey intimidating.
“You know what I wanna do to you,” Amber whispered. She loosely twirled one of Bria’s locs around her finger.
Bria almost shivered she was so aroused. Dominance and confidence turned her on. But it was her turn to make the next move.
In an act of faux boldness, she closed the distance between them, her heart doing somersaults the whole way. Their lips connected — tentative, then hungry. They fell into a familiar dance as if no time had passed since their last kiss.
Amber’s hands slid down to Bria’s hips, gripping her ass and pulling her onto her lap. Bria moaned softly.
“Fuck, I missed this,” Amber said between kisses. “I missed touchin’ you.” Bria smiled despite herself causing Amber to grin. She knew Bria was putty in her hands. And Bria knew she knew.
“Then show me,” she demanded.
Amber scooped her up without another word and carried her to the bedroom. Bria clung to her tightly. She never wanted to let her go again.
“You ain’t hidin’ from me tonight. You know I like to watch you,” Amber said as she dropped her onto the bed and flicked on the bedside lamp. But, Bria didn’t want to hide from her. She wanted to bask in her attention.
Wasting no time, Amber swept an eager tongue from Bria’s collarbone to her ear, drawing a quivering sigh.
“Amber…,” Bria moaned. “You know I love that shit.”
“Yeah, I know,” she half smirked. She lifted Bria’s dress and kissed down her body. Each kiss felt like the promise of something more but she’ll never be mine lingered at the back of Bria’s mind.
Amber’s plush lips pecked Bria’s thighs, giving her a heady rush. She’ll never be mine. Her eyes teared with a mixture of anger and pleasure. She took an aggressive fistful of Amber’s locs, making her hiss.
“Damn bae, you done got rough on me,” she bit out, looking up through furrowed brows.
Quickly recovering, she dipped her nose into the damp fabric of Bria’s panties and inhaled deeply. She yanked them off and tossed them into the darkness. Bria’s clit developed a heartbeat. Her breathing quickened as Amber examined her.
“C’mere, bae. You know where you belong,” Amber breathed, lying on her back.
Bria could’ve melted right then and there, but she mustered the strength to mount Amber’s face. Amber clutched her thighs tightly. The way her nails dug into them excited Bria. She would’ve bitten her were she within reach.
The first drag of the tongue made her jolt. Amber let out a chuckle that tickled Bria’s clit. “Still like that, huh?”
Her light-hearted remark triggered Bria unexpectedly.
Why can’t she take shit seriously for once? Why can’t she take me seriously?
She bucked hard against her mouth, releasing some pent-up resentment. “Do you like that?”, she snapped back.
Amber groaned but welcomed the roughness. She licked Bria hungrily, sliding a hand up to her waist to guide her. Even in submission, she was in control.
Bria felt like Amber was apologizing to her for all the hurt she caused. Like the tongue flicking against her was trying to tell her she was wrong for how she handled things.
But, deep down she knew that wasn’t the case.
“Eat it like you fuckin’ love me,” Bria commanded as she circled her hips indulgently. She gripped the headboard for support.
Amber chuckled, voice muffled. “Yes, ma’am.”
She feasted upon Bria sensuously. Her touch felt tender and sweet as she caressed her hips. Bria’s eyes rolled back as pleasure overtook her. Sexual gratification mingled with regret in her gut.
This is gonna hurt so fuckin’ bad.
“Come for me, bae. You doin’ so fuckin’ good,” Amber cooed between strokes of her tongue.
Bria rode faster. Her moans grew desperate. Excitement stirred as she felt herself nearing the point of no return.
Amber took two greedy handfuls of Bria’s ass. The feeling of being possessed by her sent Bria over the edge. She threw her head back, enraptured.
“Oh, fuck!”, she cried out.
Her hips stuttered as her orgasm crashed into her like a bittersweet wave. She kept riding despite the aftershocks. Amber remained present through each one.
Bria finally collapsed against the headboard.
“Gotdamn,” she breathed out, trying to catch her breath. Amber looked up at her with a satisfied grin.
“You so fuckin’ fire, bae,” she said, softly stroking Bria’s thighs.
Bria didn’t respond. Her satisfaction was fleeting. It had quickly turned into something somber. She felt sick to her stomach.
Why did I do this?
Amber’s voice broke through the silence. “Aye,” she said, snapping Bria out of her spiral. Her voice was tinged with curiosity. “What was that ‘Eat it like you love me’ stuff about?”
Here it goes.
“That was just sex talk, right?”
Part of Bria was hopeful that she would let that statement fly under the radar. Sure, she had delusional tendencies. But, she had enough sense to know that this wasn’t an act of love on Amber’s end. She wanted to pretend it was though.
“Yeah, Amber,” she dismounted and pulled down her dress. “It was just sex talk.”
Her eyes stung with tears that she wouldn’t let fall. She felt angry that Amber couldn’t let her have this one little thing. To feel loved for the night.
“Cool,” Amber nodded. “I just wanted to make sure we—”
“You should dip,” Bria interrupted. She didn’t care if it was abrupt, her feelings were hurt. “I gotta get up early tomorrow.”
I need her to get up outta here so I can lick my wounds in peace.
Amber hesitated but got up.
“I was just gettin’ started bae,” she smiled, brushing her locs out of her face. “Maybe we can do this again sometime?”
She was completely oblivious to the storm forming inside of Bria. Emotional intelligence was never her strong suit.
“Yeah, we’ll see,” Bria replied in a clipped tone.
Amber kissed her soft and slow at the door as if she hadn’t just run her heart through a meat grinder. Again.
When she finally left, Bria shut the door so quickly that it honestly may have hit her. She backslid to the floor and sobbed quietly, letting her tears flow freely.
I shoulda just watched Atlanta.
Bria looked back down at her journal. A tear fell onto the page as Lauryn Hill bore her soul. “No matter how I think we grow, you always seem to let me know it ain’t workin’.”
She continued writing.
“I don’t know why I keep trying to make people into something they’re not. Amber made it clear she’s not the relationship type. But fuck, I think I love her? Am I crazy? Don’t answer that. And in my defense, she did make false promises. Falling for her was so fuckin’ easy.
Maybe Bailey was right about therapy. I need to figure out why I keep hurting myself like this. One day I’ll finally choose myself instead of tryna get chose. Or maybe I’ll just hit up my local nunnery. The jury’s still out on that one.”
Bria sparked up her joint and took another pull. Tears blurred her vision as she sank back into her pillow. She let the corners of her thoughts lose their sharpness while Lauryn Hill continued her lullaby.
Why won’t you live for me? Care for me, care for me. You said you’d care for me. There for me, there for me…
Ready to wall slide? Here’s Bria’s dramatic ass playlist.
Happy listening!
Got another song you think should be there? Drop it in the playlist suggestions channel on Discord and we can add it!
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